"" What's She Eating Now?: 5 "Candies" I Hope You Don't Get in Your Treat Basket

Friday, October 30, 2009

5 "Candies" I Hope You Don't Get in Your Treat Basket

Halloween is upon us and while many adults get excited about going out and seeing the costumes (which as we grow older inevitably get less clever and more slutty), I still get excited about the candy. Every opportunity to collect little sugary treats widens my eyes and I hope hard as I peer into the bowl that it contains bite size Snickers. And if not that, then at least mini Kit-Kats. Those are my two favorite Halloween confections. I hope just as hard not to get some of the infamous duds. You know, those candies that you were as excited to get as a child as a urine sample. So I hope by laying them out here it will put a Halloween hex out there and keep them out of your Trick or Treat future.

I think it goes without saying that we all hope to not get someone's leftover bachelorette party candy. This is a family website so I'll spare the details of the various edible anatomical rings, necklaces and suckers that usually go hand in hand with finding the man of your dreams. But I will provide you a photo and brief description of the other top 5 offenders so you can easily recognize them as rogue "candy" if you see them and demand a suitable replacement treat. 

#1) Dad's Root Beer Barrels. Whoever thought to call this candy, or even flavored like root beer, is one twisted son of a bitch. This sucking candy will not only leave your tongue black, it will also turn it numb to the point that you cannot taste the much more delicious candy you have worked hard to collect. If you catch this fish, throw it back.

#2) Circus Peanuts. When I ask people what scares them most, the most popular response is "clowns." You know who eats circus peanuts? Clowns. You want to go to sleep with a demented remix of the Ringling Brothers theme in your head? Then eat these. Otherwise skip these freakish little things.

#3) The Candy Hamburger. This is just gross for fairly obvious reasons. What about a candy roast pork bun? Or a candy beef empanada? Not appealing to you? Let's leave the meat to the savory folks and everything will be OK.

#4) Juicyfruit Gum. While in the same kingdom, gum does not even share the same phylum with candy. This is not an acceptable Halloween treat. If you're going to ruin your dental work at least do it on something you can swallow and won't get stuck to a pair of shoes, or the wig from your Rapunzel costume.

#5) Raisins or an Apple. Truth be told when I was little I didn't mind the raisins that much, though I was completely misguided and should have. I was, however, always sensible enough to know that a mealy red delicious apple was not adequate compensation for climbing a flight of brownstone steps in roller skates and looking completely adorable. Thinking back on it, it is possible the Garden of Eden story is actually the first known Halloween parable, and look what a mess eating that apple got us into.

Happy Halloween, readers. I bid you good candy, a whole reusable green shopping bag full!

1 comment:

  1. although i have no problem with getting juicy fruit, the apple and the raisin are two pieces of halloween "booty" that really puzzle me. here's why: the giver of said "treats" appears to be missing two ciritcal yet obvious pieces of information- a: kids are told religiously not to eat unwrapped candy. b: what kid is excited to get an apple or a dried grape. Don't get me wrong, I like a nice apple and like raisins, but not on halloween.